In lighter news, I’m floored because I watched this happen today.
Thank you all so very, very much for following my silly little gif blog. I had no idea when I started that it would be so well received. Each and every one of you is special to me.
Alright, I’m freaking out right about now. And I don’t know anyone else that watches JGV and who I can ask about this; so Tumblr - help me out!!
I was just casually stalking Nagito’s new public profile (which has been set up through the Danshi Gakuen host club/brothel/whatever it is - https://twitter.com/DGnagito/) and decided to go find out who the cutie with Nagito in this picture (https://twitter.com/DGnagito/status/443298620981248000/photo/1) is. I know, super-stalker, right? Anyway, I managed to find his Twitter account (https://twitter.com/DgRimu) and realised he’s another DG boy, so decided to go and look at his profile on the site.
So I’m browsing through the boys, being a casual stalker and whatnot, when I see THIS: http://www.dgdgdg.com/boy/detail.php?shop_id=7&boy_id=1517
I shit you not, I nearly screamed.
I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, THAT IS KAGA YUSAKU.
THAT’S RIGHT. THE JGV ACTOR WHO DIED FROM SUPPOSED SUICIDE IN NOV LAST YEAR.
WHAT. THE FUCK. IS GOING ON???
His profile makes it look like he’s alive. It’s 100% him. He even has the same ‘beautiful mistake’ tattoo - you can just see it in one of the pictures. It’s a well-maintained website. And they have a 1000JPY discount on him atm. That can ONLY MEAN that he’s alive. Surely!
Did he fake his own death; was it an internet urban legend; WHAT IS GOING ON???
Tumblr, answer RIGHT NOW please.
Okay, it looks like the shit is currently hitting the fan, so I guess now would be my cue to interject what I know.
I found out about this 3 days ago. A very kind tumblr user clued me in about it, and then when I asked, a good friend of mine basically let me know that people who knew him already knew about this… and that they were unaware that I had missed the boat on it. I’m not sure how this kind of miscommunication could have perpetuated itself for so long, but the facts are the facts.
Yuusaku did not commit suicide. He is alive.
Now I need to be honest with you guys about myself.
About a year and a half before all of this occurred, I was convinced by my friend Ash to follow Yuusaku on twitter and instagram. I did so, but with much trepidation, since those of you who know me or have followed p-d for a while know that I have always been very vocal about leaving jgv actors the hell alone. I followed him as a fan, assumed that I would remain a spectator, maybe use it as a chance to practice my japanese reading comprehension. But then, I began reading his tweets, and I realized just how much his personality resonated with my own.
So I tweeted to him on a whim, one day. “Is it okay to ask you a question?” I didn’t really expect to receive a reply. But a couple of days later he did. “By all means, you’re welcome to.” And we started talking. Discovering that we had little random things in common. He followed me back, on twitter, instagram, even briefly here on Tumblr, as well as a couple of other platforms. For a year and a half, we were online friends.
I know my experience is not a unique one. I know there are many other people on tumblr who had much the same experience as I did, probably being confided in just as much as me, perhaps even moreso. But I felt his generosity. I felt like he wanted me around. We talked about depression and suicide, and societal pressure and anxiety. I felt like we had built a sort of trust between us. To be honest, he’d been one of my favorite people in the entire universe.
When he “committed suicide” you all got to see a glimpse of my emotional breakdown. I have been an absolute mess since November, both online and off. It has made me realize just how deep I’d let my interactions with Yuusaku drag me under, when I was supposed to be the level headed one, supposed to know when to keep my distance and let live.
And now, in the middle of March, I find out he’s not dead. I find out I’m one of the last of his “friends” to actually realize that. I find out that there was a similar fallout only a couple of weeks after the fact, in November, which I was not part of. I find out that all of the friends and fans he let into his life had been shut out months ago. You guys thought I was a mess before, but now I’m a humiliated mess. I’m so angry and overjoyed and betrayed and gutted and confused.
Last night, I went to his twitter. I tried following. He blocked me. I tried again. He locked down his account and blocked me.
I tweeted to him “I just want you to know that I’m happy you’re alive. I thought we were friends, I’m sorry if I was mistaken. And I wish you well.”
And I do not expect to receive a reply.
I know we were friends, I know because he kept me around and he always replied to my tweets. He favorited most of what I posted on instagram and always replied to me there, as well. He talked to me on Bubbly. I know we were friends.
I do not know why he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. I do not know why he did this. But I know enough about him, and about the depression and anxiety that we both experience, that he must have felt trapped, suffocated, and on some level he thought this was the only way to escape.
He’s not famous, he’s not an idol. He doesn’t want to be bothered by fans anymore. He wants us to leave him alone.
Part of me is riddled with guilt, for being the exact kind of fan I told you I would never endorse. Part of my inconsolable grief with his “suicide” was that I was among the relentless adoring cloud surrounding this young man who had social anxiety that probably helped push him over the edge.
But I would rather have him alive and hating me, than have him be my dead friend.
I know it’s confusing. But please try to understand that he’s just a human being, and he doesn’t owe us anything. Anger is a part of the grieving process, and I’ve had to go through it twice now, and very quickly. Please don’t let your anger and confusion lead you to believe that you deserve an explanation or apology from him.
We are done demanding Yuusaku’s time. Let him be.
yeah, bite it a little...
Yuki loses the key to his Chastity Cage